Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Randomize