I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
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