I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
Randomize
