My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
