for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
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