i think ur clone was at the club last week. she slapped some tall girl in the face who tried to steal her spot on the podium. i dont know if ur like her, but she seemd like a ninja badass with superpowers
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
