How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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