apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
There's always time for handjobs
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
