I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Randomize
