I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Randomize