so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
