Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu
So you're taking me there this weekend?
oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
