Is it normal to miss your booty call?
i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
Lo siento on account of my penis...
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
