The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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