She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
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