i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
A bitchslap is in order.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
