Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
