i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
