I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
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