ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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