I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
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