My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
lol hangovers are for mortals.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
