A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
Randomize
