you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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