apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
