Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
