My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
