my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
I seem to have left my pride at pride
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
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