Please, let me fuck your mom
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
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