I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Mel Gibson is dating a 24 year old
You're not Mel Gibson and I'm not 24.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
Sext me about skeletons
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
