I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Randomize
