You blewit but ill be back in laekciew tonigthso calll mee
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
