I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
