I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
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