if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
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