Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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