i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
