i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
I'm gonna fight the coyote
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
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