Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
