chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
Randomize
