Betty ford says i'm here all night
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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