Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
Randomize
