So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize
