My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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