On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
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