I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
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