My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
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