I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
Randomize
