The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize
