Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Randomize
