can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
