You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
Randomize
