The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
foreskin is a definite game changer
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
