Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
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