I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
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