I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
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