My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
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