Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
But never have I ever had sex with a dirty talker before, so it was something else, to say the least. I signed up to get laid, not play Penthouse Mad Libs.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
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