there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Are my feet made of real feet?
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
I didn't notice because vodka
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
